Hello everyone, it’s Susannah here. I’m the Piggy-Mum to Mop, Billy, Cupcake, Pip and Cocoa. Since November, I have not posted. I supposed that makes it roughly 5-6 months which is quite shocking I guess.
You see… Recently, I have been taking steps to combat my depression and anxiety. It’s been a hard time for me, coming from a pit where I’ve blocked everything out and I just can’t be bothered to care into a place where I’m beginning to see things once again. Things are affecting me because I’m allowing them to and its hard not to shrink back into the darkness that kept me safe for so long.
It was due to my depression that my posts started going downhill in the first place. I just… I just couldn’t be bothered to make a post. I know it sounds horrible but I’d stare at my laptop or at my iPad with motivation the size of a pea. It was too hard to actually dredge up that happiness to make my posts sound happy and chatty. I just couldn’t do it so I just left it, even though I did want to share my guinea-pig stories with you.
You see, my piggies are very important to me, but for a while I didn’t really pay much attention to them. I fed them and watered them and cleaned them out but left the cuddling to other people because leaving my room and going downstairs to see them was just too difficult. It’s hard to describe how that feels but, well, when you don’t even have the mental energy to go down a single flight of stairs, there’s probably something a bit off.
As it stands, well, I think I’m on the up. I still get down, the dark clouds still creep over and cover my head but I have my guinea-pigs. I still have all five of them, my little precious ones and I’m looking forwards to getting them some awesome c&c cages after my exams.
I just… Well, wanted to explain. I’m only just getting to that stage where I can say, out loud: “Yes, I am, was, depressed.” Because, for so long, I denied it. I didn’t want to face the facts because I felt awful for being depressed. I have things, I have food and water and a loving family and a house and belongings and guinea-pigs and rabbits and hamsters. How could I be depressed? How could I be so selfish when, every day, people survive and are happy on much less than what I had.
Then, I realised, it isn’t like that. Depression isn’t something that only strikes those who have nothing. It’s a monster that can grab you and sink its teeth in at any time, no matter how much you try to shake it off. Realising that I hadn’t done anything wrong, that I wasn’t an awful human being for feeling this way was the first step.
Pasting on a smile was the second!
The hooman (and a very cute Cupcake :3) xx